Many of us have the luxury of smoking without prying eyes. But some of us have to contend with unexpected guests, nosy neighbors, and landlord visits. With some preparation, you can easily get your stash squared away but when you’re smoking weed on the daily, it’s easy to overlook something small like a dab tool or an herb grinder. So, in the case that your landlord comes in for a safety inspection and notices your Cali Crusher on full display, here are a handful of the best herb grinder cover ups to explain it away.
1. It’s Not an “Herb” Grinder – It’s an Herb Grinder
The effectiveness of these excuses hinges pretty hard on what type of weed grinder you’re using. This means size and material. In most cases, if you’re using a plastic grinder, you’re pretty screwed…especially if it’s loaded. If there’s any excuse on this list that can save you with the damning evidence of a fully loaded plastic weed grinder, it’s this one. You basically explain that it’s an herb grinder that you use in the kitchen for freshly cut herbs and spices. The beauty of this cover up is that it’s not exactly a lie. Let’s just hope that no one wants to borrow a pinch of fresh oregano.
2. The Power of Technical Overwhelm
While the lying/not lying route probably gives you the best herb grinder excuse, this one can work like a charm if you really know how to bullshit. If you have any tech background, whether it be working with cars, musical instruments, computers, etc., you can explain a metal grinder away as a component for something that your landlord or guest wouldn’t have a chance in hell of following. I’d only recommend this if you can actually talk the talk well enough to be convincing. Throw in daunting technical terms and systems. Maybe you’re just about to install it into your synthesizer or replace a part in your muscle car. For all they know, it’s not a marijuana grinder but an oscillation tube or a muffler can. I don’t know anything about synths or cars and if you don’t either, that probably sounded convincing. Again, it’s better to know just enough about the tech to be convincing and equally certain that the person you’re deceiving doesn’t know shit about it.
3. The Genius of Using Your Best Herb Grinder as…a Drink Coaster?
I enjoy this particular excuse for its simplicity but it will probably only pass with metal 2-chamber grinders or something equally compact. You’re basically going to pass the grinder off as a drink coaster. What I really like about this excuse is that you can sell it without saying a word. Just grab a soda or beer, take a sip, and pop the can on top of your herb grinder. There are a few flaws in this one that prevent it from being the best herb grinder lie on this list; mainly that if your guest wants a drink too, you’re probably not going to have a matching “coaster” for them. But if you’ve already got a drink in hand when the landlord drops by, it could be just the quick thinking solution you need.
4. The Jewelry Box Bluff
This one will typically work better for the ladies but the lads can use this one too and if your landlord or guest questions it, you can tell them to get with the times. If they ask you point blank about the weed grinder, you simply say it’s a jewelry box. Of course, this is only going to work if the grinder is shut. If they ask you to open the grinder, they’re really stepping over the line of invasion of your privacy so this excuse can shut them up pretty quickly.
5. Living and Breathing the Sport of Hockey
The rustic wooden marijuana grinders could be passed off with this excuse but your execution of the lie as well as your charismatic bullshitting need to be through the roof. It also helps immensely if you play hockey or, by some multi-level miracle, own your own table hockey set up. If so, you’re about to possibly pull off the very risky lie that the grinder for weed sitting plainly on your coffee table is actually a table hockey puck (or a practice hockey puck if the deceived knows absolutely nothing about hockey). A sucker’s born every minute and you’re definitely going to need those odds on your side if you go this route.
6. The Mindboggling Manual Rock Tumbler
Sometimes the best herb grinder cover ups are the most bizarre and this one is obscure enough to fit that bill. In the ‘80s, my father invested in a home rock tumbler. It’s basically a little machine that you toss rocks into in order to erode them into smooth stones. To this day, I can’t tell you why my dad had one of these but the point here is that I never really questioned it. It was weird and I just accepted it as something I didn’t really care to know about. And chances are that your landlord, neighbor or guest will be equally disinterested. So, if you tell an inquiring mind that the grinder on your table is a manual pebble tumbler, they probably aren’t going to question how absurd and pointless that seems.
Some say honesty is the best policy but that kind of depends on whether honesty is going to get you evicted. In all seriousness, cannabis shouldn’t be demonized but there are still plenty of people in our country who do just that. The good news is that, if they’re dumb enough to believe the archaic negative beliefs about weed, they’ll probably also believe even your most outlandish of cover ups.
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